I thought I'd start 2008 off right. Let's make a list of all the jobs that I've had since I was legally allowed to be employed. That'll make me feel...awesome. In no particular order, (though that would be a fun project in itself) here they are:
Short Order Cook 6
My specialty was the Reuben, the origins of which are widely disputed.I made it with rye bread, corned beef, russian dressing, swiss cheese and kraut. One tasty bit of info that I recently discovered about this gem is that you can still order an original Reuben from the Dundee Dell in Omaha, Nebraska. This restaurant, which I have actually been to, claims to have originated the sandwich. However, if you head to the Dell, do the Scotch tasting. At 40 bucks a pop, it's a fantastic way to try some killer singlemalts. If you still have a hankering for a meal after that, then I guess you could get the Reuben. I guess. I mean, if you want to ruin a perfectly decadent taste in your mouth.Balloon Salesperson/Wedding Decorator 6
Now, what isn't classy about this kind of pink abomination? I ask you. Picture this setup with "banquet hall" ( a little further down this page. ) Sexy? I think soWAITRESS (in the following venues):
---Tourist Town Restaurant
---Banquet Hall 6
Uh, I think the"dusty rose" napkins really bring out the brown pleather of the chairs. Or maybe it's the navy blue plastic tablecloth that couldn't possibly be left out. Fortunately, the weddings were different every week. Unfortunately, the meals were not. I still can't look at an industrial-sized tray of shells and sauce without throwing up in my mouth a little. Menus like this are hateful and wrong. First of all, please spell pastry right. And if you look on the bottom in the General Information Section, it says "The Use of Confetti is NOT allowed." You know... if confetti is important enough to be capitalized, then it certainly is important enough to be thrown around in a crappy banquet hall. There. I said it.
---Outdoor Theatre Gala 6
Three words.
Catering Is Hot.
I mean, check this guy out.
He's wearing the uniform.
And look how hot he is, despite
fact that he is missing
- both his left arm and foot.
Not bad.
---Health resort 6
Yes, I actually worked in that mansion. It was the most stressful serving job. Ever. I had to wait on extremely wealthy people who spent their pre-meal time working out to lose a bunch of weight in a few days. So if their health-conscious, calorie-counted banana bread french toast didn't come out just right, it was sheer mayhem in the dining room. Someone actually threw a plate at me once. And I waited on Diana Ross.
---Irish Pub
6
This is the only reason to work in an Irish Pub.
Sweet Guiness.
Why are you so lovely?
---Sushi Bar 6
Sushi Haiku
Oh slippery fish!
A bed of sweet, sticky rice
Awaits you. Please nap.
---Pork-themed Cafe 6
And this is what will have happened if I have decided to work in another restaurant again. That's right, Stockholders. Pigs Will Have Flown. If you are so inclined you can read all about why I don't feel the need to immerse myself in the food industry any longer. These are the kind of folks that I was surrounded by. In fact, I was "let go" two weeks prior to this shameful display because the boss had become wayward in his personal spending and needed to take over some of the waitstaff's lucrative shifts. Shifty. But Professor Karma came to the rescue.
Telephone Surveyor
Greenwich Village Halloween Parade Marcher
Theatre House Manager
Teacher in the following venues:
---Acting Camp
---Playwrighting Residency
---Third-Grade Sexual Education
---Middle School Substitute
Theatre Box Office Associate
Babysitter
Hotel Front Desk Clerk
Theatre Company Manager
Bedding/Fine Linens Retail Associate
Life Model
Voice Over Artist
High School Musical Choreographer
Unemployment Collector
Actor
Now, notice that I have left the notoriously glam job of "Temptress" out. Oh, Stockholders...
Temping is so special that it needs a section all to itself. Here are a few of the things I have done as a temp(tress): - Answered Phones
While viewing the above website, be sure to pay attention to some interesting info offered by people who felt the need to comment EVEN MORE about proper phone etiquette. My personal favorite is:
"Stand If You Can - Standing while you are greeting someone makes it easier to be upbeat and you won't sound boring."
WHAT??? To all my fellow receptionists out there...If you feel the need to stand up every time you answer the phone in order to sound less bored, I guarantee you are heading for the edge. And if that doesn't do it, the weird looks that you'll get from your fellow employees will certainly send you there and over.
- Created spreadsheets
- Ordered breakfast
- Ordered lunch
- Ordered groceries.
Don't be afraid to play favorites here, stockholders. Fresh Direct is a Garden of Eden for the Hungry Phone Girl. If you're doin' the orderin', then you're doin' the eatin'. What Accounts Payable doesn't know won't hurt them. The Wild Rock Lobster Tails could TOTALLY have been lunch for the office one day. Or...they could have slipped into my portable cooler with removable ice packs by mistake. The case of Chalk Hill Pinot Noir was DEFINITELY for an impromptu 9th floor party. I didn't say WHICH cubicle. Or hey, start small. ORDER those double chunk chocolate and peanut butter granola bars and hide them in your drawer. No one will be the wiser and you have a sweet secret all to yourself. Shop on.
ODE TO THE LABELMAKER
Oh, Labelmaker.
How I have loved you.
Watched your magic unfold before me.
I type in my request and slowly, silently
(save for a soothing hum)
you put forth your pure-white adhesive-backed offering,
and on it, in perfect plain print,
is my very thought.
I want to label the world with you.
Come, we'll create together in battery-operated bliss.
- Addressed envelopes
- Wore a hard hat and a tool belt and pointed conference attendees in the right direction.
- Video conferenced
- Made signs
- Made award certificates
- Made coffee
- Wrapped other people's Christmas presents
The list. It's endless.
I'm spent.
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